As Kim Atienza keeps Emman’s memory alive, he finds a bigger purpose

April 17 ------ Six months after the death of his youngest daughter, Emman, Kim Atienza is still grieving, though he discovered that it led him to a greater purpose of helping the youth navigate their struggles with mental health.

“I guess they see me as a safe space. It is an honor, but also a big responsibility,” Atienza said in a group interview after renewing his partnership with Sante Barley. Up to this day, the TV host continues to receive messages from people who struggle with their mental health, many of them sharing how his daughter reminded them why it’s important to keep carrying on.

“With how I see the youth, grabe. It goes to show that online, comments can kill. Comments can save lives,” he stated, noting that people who post statements like “wanting to end it all” or “gusto ko nang mamatay (I want to die)” are a warning sign. He also pointed out that they need to be in the company of those who truly understand what they’re going through.

In a way, Atienza realized that lending a listening ear or receiving such messages is a renewed purpose from God to help others. “I think so,” he said when asked if he sees his renewed openness to mental health as a purpose bestowed upon him by God. “When Emman passed away, she [was still] passionate about [helping others through] her content. I guess binigay sa akin ito ng Panginoon. My daughter’s motto is ‘a little kindness.’ I’m a little kind to everyone. It doesn’t take much, only a little,” he continued.

How Kuya Kim deals with grief

On the surface, Atienza appears to have returned to his normal life. He hosts segments on 24 Oras and 24 Oras Weekend, cracks jokes on “TiktoClock,” and shares new information on “Dami Mong Alam, Kuya Kim.” But grief goes beyond the surface. There were moments when he had to stop himself from crying while reading a spiel about Eman Pacquiao and seeing a P-pop female idol who looked like his precious daughter. Still, he remained professional throughout.

“Ang guest namin was Eman Pacquiao. Binabasa ko ang spiel, Eman, Eman, Eman. Gusto kong maiyak. Gan’un ang grief eh. Minsan may P-pop group na nag-guest, kamukha ni Emman ‘yung isa sa members,” he recalled. “Dapat nagpapatawa ako pero sa gitna ng live show, gusto kong umiyak. Normal ‘yun. Gan’un talaga. They always say grief comes in waves; it does.”

Atienza may have resumed his daily activities, but he admitted that he is still grieving. “I’m grieving right now. It never goes away. A lot of people think grief is linear, that if you give it time, you will heal. No. It never goes away,” he said.

After all, the grief he felt toward Emman’s death is a culmination of how much he truly loves her. “What happens is grief [becomes] love realized. The heart becomes bigger. You become bigger. Grief changes you; it can change you in the worst way, or it can change you in a better way. If I turn bitter, my Emman becomes an ambassador of evil. If I’m a little kind and a little better, it makes my Emman an ambassador of good,” he said.

As of this moment, the host described himself as someone who faces grief head-on. He was advised by a fellow parent who went through the same pain that going through sorrow is a choice. “Sabi niya, a grieving person is full of wounds. You have two choices. You bandage it up, matagal gumaling. Or you expose it, you tear off the bandage,” he said. “I expose it. That’s why I talk about it this way. I-expose it para lumabas kasi nakakaapekto ka sa tao sa [tamang] paraan.”

Atienza shared that Emman’s bedroom remains “the same” even after her death. Things were left untouched, as if they didn’t experience a heartbreaking loss. “Emman’s room in our house is the same. Her things are still there. ‘Yung whiteboard niya, her notes are still there. In her bathroom, her toiletries are still there. Her makeup is still there.” “I have two choices: do I enter the room? Or I avoid it? If I avoid the room, I will never enter the room,” he continued. “What do I do? All my shoes are in Emman’s room. Every single morning, I enter her room, and my bible is beside her bed.”

Touching on how he deals with grief, he hoped that people would learn how to “tear the bandage away” if they could. “I sit by her bed, read my passages, and I grieve openly. What happens is gusto kong umiyak, kasi kung umiyak na ako ngayon, hindi na ako iiyak [mamaya]. Nailabas ko na eh. I advise those who are grieving to tear the bandage away. It helped, [at least] for me,” he said.

Source: inquirer.net