A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.

2. When drinking a diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate is cancelled out by the diet Coke.

- Our husband's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

Recently a "Husband Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.

It's Valentine's day. A young woman wakes up and tells her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing. The priest is waiting, and waiting, and waiting.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

Two fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

RESOLUTION #1:

2000: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2001: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2002: I will read 5 books a year.
2003: I will finish The Pelican Brief
2004: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2005: I will read at least one article this year.
2006: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise
Women instead of three Wise Men ?

Women would say: They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought
practical gifts.

Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the
Christmas season are:

Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked, "When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"

Pedro was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."

An old wealthy man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.

He gave each of the three P100, 000 cash.

Mrs. Dimakulangan named her cat "Love" because it was so affectionate.

One day, when Love failed to return home, Mrs. Dimakulangan went out to look for her lost cat.

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up and whacks him real hard on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asks.

George W. Bush was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!

A local company was looking for a deputy, so Macky went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the HR officer said, " Macky, what is 1 and 1?"

"I came in to make an appointment with the dentist," said the man to the receptionist.

"I'm sorry sir," she replied. "He's out right now, but..."

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggles his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

Balot vendor: Balot...balot...balot
Buyer: Nagtitinda ka din ba ng penoy?

On the first day of Christmas
My mother gave to me
A toothbrush I didn't really need.

In one of Oprah Winfrey's talk shows, a survey was conducted among her audience. Since the subject was about ghosts she started asking her audience these survey questions:

Oprah: How many of you have seen a ghost? Please stand up!

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane had landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems.

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car.

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.